The Suicidal Sakura Incident
by The Jashinist and Peeves
Summary: Sakura's stupidest idea yet has landed her in the company of the Akatsuki and one of their bookkeepers, Satori. Most of the Akatsuki hates her, and Satori is reluctant to let down any barriers she's already set up. Sakura either has to think of an escape plan, or earn the trust of her enemies. Possible AkatSaku, definate DeidaraxOC. Rated T for blood, lang, and Hidan, naturally
1. Chapter 1

The Suicidal Sakura Incident

Called thus because I am wonderful with names.

By The Jashinist

Chapter 1: The Library

_A/N: I know, I should be working on PCAR, or one of my other stories, I shouldn't be posting this. Y'know what? This was my first ever fanfic idea, granted, it's been updated and Sakura is not the 100% main focus anymore, but this is my first fanfic, and you will deal! I'm having a touch of writer's block with PCAR, so when the next chapter comes out of that I have no clue... Read, review, Favorite, please don't bitch, sorry Satori plays such a huge role in this fanfic...enjoy._

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_Disclaimer: Minus Satori and the brilliant plotline, I own absolutely nothing._

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The library, one could say it was a place of healing, or a place of knowledge. Sakura thought the one she was in was a shinobi's hell, which was hilarious, because a shinobi ran it. The library wasn't particularly ugly, the rooms were well decorated and the mahogany shelves were always well dusted and polished, and the grand staircase in the front was fantastically intimidating. But there were issues with the way the books were organized. The librarian, a former Iwagakure Chunin who went by the boyish name Satori, saw no point in any records besides medical and criminal records. The shelves lining the walls near the entrance were filled with shinobi records that Satori neither cared about nor saw much use in having. Not a single Jonin or ANBU lined these walls, every single one was sitting in a back room, ready to be copied by an eager Satori with far too much time on her hands. This irritated Sakura to no end, because in every archive Sakura knew, all the shinobi records were kept carefully under lock and key. Unless the shinobi was of any consequence, Satori didn't care who got their hands on those records. Okay, she did something rather odd whenever she got a new record, she flipped through and tore out the medical records and hid them with her high ranked shinobi. It was a deal with her employer or whatever, an elusive poison master who was rarely spoken of. Sakura finally got past her initial irritation and looked up to the main library. Silence, not a word.

"Satori!" Sakura called loudly, causing a loud crash in the back room where Satori kept her "important" records.

"Goddammit!" Satori screamed, slamming open the door, "Hidan if that's you I will chop you into pieces and bury you in the floorboards for a fucking week!"

"I don't know who Hidan is but I was going to ask how much you have on Orochimaru," Sakura commented. Satori slid down the banister and pulled out the colored clips holding her bangs out of her left eye.

"Plenty I used to work for the prick," Satori replied, "I thought you hated me."

"As much as I do I need someone well versed on Orochimaru," Sakura replied.

"My boss knows more," Satori admitted, "and I don't think you want to talk to him."

"I need as much information as possible," Sakura insisted. Satori bit her bottom lip and looked around furtively.

"This is a bad time as it is," she said, "one of my boss's work partners nearly got himself killed a few weeks back, and frankly, I've got my boss and two of his work partners in a back room while the third is out god knows where doing god knows what. This is a terrible time."

"Any suggestions?" Sakura asked. Satori considered this for a few seconds.

"Find some other shinobi," she said, "you'll be better off not getting your information from me. My boss isn't…Konoha-friendly, he knows Orochimaru in the kind of way that I'm pretty sure could get you into a shitload of trouble. The closest hideout is to the South if you're interested."

"Thanks," Sakura said sarcastically, "that helps." Satori smirked and shrugged as Sakura stormed out. As soon as the door slammed shut Satori's smirk disappeared.

"Danna!" she yelled, "How good's the security in the hideout south of here?" A short statured Suna shinobi stepped out from behind a bookshelf.

"You sent the bitch on a suicide mission," he said bluntly.

"Never liked her anyway," Satori scoffed, "how's Senpai?"

"Kakuzu nearly gave him hell," the shinobi said, "he's moving around too much."

"That sounds just like him," Satori smiled, glancing back at the shinobi, "so should we go after our Jashinist dog, Sasori no Danna?"

"No," Sasori smiled, "the poor probably got lost in all those trees."

"I hope he doesn't stumble into Orochimaru's territory," Satori sighed, "I hate his territory, full of those slithery reptiles."

"You need to get over that fear," Sasori mused. Satori glared up at him, raising a slight smile to the puppet master's lips. He loved tormenting his subordinates, but Satori was by far the most fun. She let him torment her if only because she enjoyed working for him far more than any of her previous employers. It's hard to say if their relationship was good by chance or if being two intellectuals heightened how well they got along. Sasori often hoped it was the latter, because as much as she was a bit too arrogant, she was enjoyable to talk to, especially in comparison to some of the spies and informants the two had collected and dispensed like trading cards since Satori had started working for him ten years ago.

"I'm back!" the door to the library slammed open, nearly knocking over a bookshelf by the door as a blood drenched shinobi stumbled in. Sasori clicked his teeth in disgust at the shinobi. His name was Hidan, and he was a relatively recent addition to the Akatsuki roster, much to his partner's dismay. Though, to be fair, Sasori wasn't all that fond of him either. Hidan wasn't much of an intellectual like his partner, Kakuzu, nor much of a creator or a strategist like Satori and Sasori's partner, he was more of a philosopher, though, only sober and only when his insane energy was in a median between depleted and recovering, which rarely happened because he was usually drinking either alcohol or something caffeinated, neither of which made him very enjoyable to be around. Sasori's partner tolerated him in a good mood and Satori seemed relatively fond of him, though, more as a younger sister than anything else.

"Hidan dammit what did you do?" Satori screamed, "Stop ruining the library! Good presentation is everything in this world!"

"Fuck!" Hidan spat, "I keep forgetting the bookshelf's there!"

"Lucky it's where I keep new Genin," Satori sighed, pushing Hidan into the center of the room where he couldn't soak anything made of paper, "don't move, don't touch anything, and most importantly, shut up."

"I don't like shutting up," Hidan teased, "it's why nobody likes me."

"I think we like you just fine," Satori corrected Hidan, "it's just that you have more energy than you're worth."

"Deidara's a close second with that," Sasori commented, "Kakuzu's almost done but that nuisance moves far too much when he's uncomfortable."

"I like his energy," Satori countered, "it's directed towards more constructive pursuits than Hidan. Could you get me warm water Danna? Please?"

"Since you asked nicely," Sasori commented, walking away.

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_I am just now realizing how terribly OOC that last quote by Sasori is. To be totally honest, Satori was originally Kakuzu's bookkeeper, but then I realized that Sasori makes a lot more sense and would probably tolerate her more. Anyway, hope you enjoyed that fanfic, no, Satori is not an orphan, both of her parents are alive, she had a falling out with her dad and her mom is sort of a wanderer._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Deidara and Hidan

_So yeah, Chapter 2...Can I just say that I actually waited before putting this fanfiction? This was not just a "I'll write this since I have Writer's Block," kinda deal, I was still writing PCAR, I got stuck, so I started writing this one..._

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_Disclaimer: If Kishimoto is here I just want to say: I'm totally not stealing your work I just REALLY love Naruto...Oh yeah and I hate Obito, first Naruto villain I actually hate...Kudos. BTW, WTF are you even doing here Kishimoto?_

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"The stitches are crooked," Hidan held out Deidara's left arm, "you were moving too much."

"I don't consider getting my arms reattached very comfortable," Deidara replied, pulling his arm back. Satori and Sasori had both brought up the crooked stitching on his left arm already, and having Hidan bring it up was somehow a lot more annoying. His right arm was fine; Kakuzu had held his arm down and threatened to break it if he moved too much.

"You still had to get them reattached," Hidan teased.

"I will blast you to hell," Deidara threatened. Hidan smirked, the threat made little difference to him, it wasn't like Deidara could do anything about Hidan. Satori was very specific about how much violence she would tolerate near her library, and even more specific about what she wanted them to do and what would happen if they didn't do what she told them to.

"So why is Satori suddenly so adamant about this one shinobi?" Hidan asked, changing the subject quickly. Deidara shrugged and looked around for signs of a fight.

"Apparently it's important," he said, "just look for signs of skirmishing, hm."

"What fun," Hidan mused sarcastically, "what do I need to look for? Blood and a body?"

"This would be so much easier if we knew what the bitch looked like," Deidara scoffed, "but no, all we get is 'she stands out in a crowd,' like that'll help us at all, hm."

"Do you think they meant her hair's the color of strawberry milk?" Hidan asked.

"Why?" Deidara asked.

"Because that body over there has pink hair," Hidan pointed to the body of a kunoichi about four years younger than Satori.

"Hidan you're a fucking genius!" Deidara laughed and shoved the Jashinist.

"I thought I was an idiotic manwhore with no life," Hidan said.

"You're that too," Deidara walked over to the body, "she's not dead, more like close to a mortal wound but the person attacking her was shit at aiming, hm."

"Aren't all of Orochimaru's men like that?" Hidan tossed the girl over his shoulder, "I mean, every skirmish we've had with them, they run away like pansies every time you show up."

"First things first Hidan, I used to work for Orochimaru," Deidara sighed and turned in the direction of Satori's library, "most of his men know not to try and fight me. Also, his long range specialists are all far too valuable to work as mere guards, much less be bothered to send off against us, hm."

"I thought Orochimaru wanted to get rid of us," Hidan smirked, hoping he'd caught the artist off guard. Deidara shot Hidan an exasperated glare.

"He does but he doesn't take us seriously," Deidara replied, "If he did he would be going himself or sending his best men out, hm."

"He doesn't take an organization of S-rank shinobi seriously?" Hidan chuckled and began heading for the library, Deidara trailing behind and sighing at every comment.

"We're S-rank and we're an organization but we're anything but organized," Deidara reasoned, "most of our hideouts are for sealing purposes and nothing else, hm."

"We aren't disorganized right?" Hidan asked.

"We spend more time keeping members from killing each other and less time putting together teams who work well together in and out of battle, hm."

"You and Sasori get along."

"Yes but we don't work well in battle together. If I get caught in a crossfire I'm done for, same with him, hm."

"I always figured the groups that get along best worked best together."

"You don't seriously think that, if Kakuzu worked with you as well as he got along with you, I think you'd both be dead by now, hm."

"Good point. Does Satori work well with you?"

"I've never been on the same team as her, even when we were still in the village. She works well with Sasori though, hm." Deidara stopped in front of the library door. He didn't actually know _what _Satori's fighting style was like in the first place, he knew she was quick and he knew she was smart, but otherwise he didn't know much. The right-hand door creaked open and Satori leaned on the other door, her weasel Yuki curled around her shoulders.

"Did you find her?" she asked. Deidara nodded, she was as predictably laid back as she would be in this situation. Of course they found her, but what did she care? It was a Konoha shinobi, and Satori hated Konoha more than any other village. Nevertheless, Deidara smiled as she moved to allow Hidan through. Nevertheless, she was still honorable, as most of her clan was; nevertheless, Deidara still thought she was a lovable ball of mischief.

"What are you staring at?" Satori asked, glaring at Deidara with those sharp blue eyes, everyone in the Akatsuki hated them, they were always giving away her emotion, and they were this odd mix of happy and annoyed today.

"What're you so pissed about?" Hidan dumped the kunoichi on the floor.

"Corpses belong in the back room Hidan," Satori snapped.

"I think they belong on the floor," Hidan said, "besides, she's not actually dead."

"I know," Satori scoffed, "or did you not hear my order to burn the body if she's dead?"

"That was an order?" Hidan asked.

"Uh, yeah," Satori replied, "are you just unnaturally stupid or does your brain only work on overdrive when you care?"

"Stop being mean," Deidara shoved Satori and slid past her, irritating not only the kunoichi but also the weasel coiled on her shoulders.

"Watch it pretty boy," Yuki hissed. Deidara rolled his eyes. Yuki was a nuisance, but it was a bearer of good news, seeing Yuki meant Satori had been thinking. Yuki was one of Satori's primary summons, and boy did it hate Deidara. It was something along the lines of weasels and Sunagakure had a pretty chummy relationship, and Deidara did not. But it went beyond that, Yuki was protective of Satori, and Deidara still had the lingering stench of Orochimaru on his hair and skin. Even if Yuki hated Deidara, he was a sign that Satori was thinking about more than her usual teenage bookworm thoughts of boys, fantasy novels and when the best time would be to throw a kunai into Hidan's jugular, the latter of which she did, right after she entered the library. Deidara always found it fascinating that no shinobi noticed the odd dark brown stain on the floor of the library. Hidan found it fascinating too, mostly because not only did he know exactly where the stain came from, he also knew exactly who the stain came from.

"Deidara, get the broad into the back room," Satori ordered, "make sure she doesn't touch _anything_ except the floor."

"Don't kill him," Deidara begged.

"I'll try," Satori flashed a coy smile and returned her attention to Hidan as Deidara walked into the row upon row of bookshelves. Deidara liked libraries, sort of. It was a complicated relationship really. It wasn't that he hated reading, Satori wouldn't have let him in if that were the case; it was that he hated certain books that most people couldn't get enough of. Romances especially, Hidan and Sasori hated them too, but Deidara despised them. All the melodrama and whining always just set him off. Satori read one every so often, but preferred tales of dragons and Yokai and far off lands. Deidara always found her favorite book to be an odd choice, this book about a ninja whose goal was to end all fighting and bring peace. He found it so odd because, the same writer wrote her least favorite book. It was a book she didn't have in her library, no matter how many times people begged her to put it in. The last bookshelf ended as Deidara glimpsed a book open on the floor, open to the title page: The Phoenix King. Deidara furrowed his brow, that was a book he particularly liked, but no one else in the library read it, not even Satori. He placed the unconscious girl on the ground and moved to pick up the book, only to hear an all too familiar hiss of irritation.

"I was reading that," Yuki growled from atop the bookshelf.

"Don't you know not to leave books lying out on the floor, hm?" Deidara asked. Yuki narrowed his red eyes but didn't reply. Deidara picked up the book and shut it with a quick snap, then picked up the kunoichi's limp body and left with it still firmly clenched in his left hand. He was indignant, but still with that ever fierce determination, the one that Yuki saw as befitting for the boy Satori idolized. Though, Yuki would never say that out loud.

Deidara walked into the first spare room and dumped the girl on the bed as if she were a corpse. He dragged over a chair from the corner and sat down in it, flipping open the book in his hand and rereading the book for what was likely the sixth time.

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_Little nod there to PCAR, Fenik, the demon in PCAR, is called the Phoenix King by the Biju. So I really wanted to bring up this little tidbit, I kinda want to talk about the most recent chapter of Naruto, so: LET THERE BE SPOILERS!_

_Chapter 640: I love and hate where this is going. the series is definitely going to end soon, but I'm not sure if Kishimoto wants this to end well or just kill Naruto and be done with it. Either way I'm in love with the cliffhanger. That's my opinion, take care._

_-The Jashinist_


	3. Chapter 3

The Suicidal Sakura Incident

Chapter 3: House of Cards

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_A/N: Big apology for not updating PCAR, I am having huge troubles figuring out the opening to the next chapter. Also, I had far too many nods to other fanfictions in here, just glad I didn't make any Sakura Akatsuki nods. By the way, read through your old fanfictions kids, and don't let your lettuce over-ripen, seriously, it's as bitter as all fuck! Anyway read, review, follow, favorite, all that shit. Here is chapter 3._

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Satori sighed and cursed herself silently, what a lovely plan this was, actually nix that, what a terrible plan, it didn't even need the sarcasm. Hidan emitted a loud snore from the trunk below her, he was asleep, finally. The idiot could go days on end without sleeping, much to the chagrin of his allies. Though she did enjoy his company on the late nights spent in the map room or the profile room, finishing up something for Kakuzu or Sasori, usually Kakuzu, who maintained that time was money and by god he was not paying her to waste it. Although Sasori liked to comment that the person paying her was him. Tonight was no late night, Satori just couldn't sleep; her stomach was doing flips like an acrobat. A cherry blossom fell and landed in Hidan's mouth, causing him to bolt into a sitting position to choke the pink flower out.

"Those things taste nasty!" he groaned.

"Well this is a nice spring bloom," Satori smiled, "enjoy it while it lasts."

"I will," Hidan leaned back against the tree trunk, "almost everything beautiful must come to an end."

"Almost?" Satori asked. Hidan looked up at her and smirked. Satori smirked in reply. He meant art, it was meant to be a jab at the ever so present Deidara, who had fallen asleep in the spare room whilst reading.

"So what's her name?" Hidan asked, "The kunoichi, I mean."

"Haruno Sakura," Satori sighed, "she's a bloody target, pink hair, red shirt, obnoxious voice. She's one of **those** kunoichi."

"She wasn't particularly pretty either," Hidan mused, "rather plain. Not homely plain, mind you, but plain."

"And you've seen homely plain?" Satori asked.

"I see Kakuzu all the time don't I?" Hidan asked. Satori laughed and kicked Hidan in the head.

"That was mean," Satori giggled, "you're a jerk did you know that?"

"Every shinobi is a jerk," Hidan sighed and shut his eyes, "I haven't met a single shinobi who didn't have some jerkish quality to him. Plenty of kunoichi are the sweetest things, but there are so many jerkish shinobi."

"Not everyone's like that," Satori said.

"A majority of them are," Hidan reasoned, "and don't go saying Deidara's not like that he's just as bad as I am, if not worse."

"I wasn't gonna say he wasn't like that," Satori retorted, "I was gonna say my dad's not like that."

"Yeah your dad's the worst there's ever been," Hidan growled, "an ass not even worth sacrificing to Jashin-sama."

"There you go again," Satori muttered, "always back to Jashin, always."

"I'm allowed to fucking praise him thank you," Hidan snapped, "I can't think of a better way to say he's the worst."

"He's not," Satori sighed, "he has a good reason to hate me."

"Stop saying that," Hidan groaned, "stop it right now! Just because you work for an organization that has dark motives does not make you a bad person! The fact that I have to tell you that is really fucking annoying!" Satori sighed and turned away from Hidan, sliding off the tree branch.

"I'll go check on the kunoichi," she said, "so I don't irritate you anymore." She walked away, leaving Hidan alone.

"Someone's near their time of the month," Hidan muttered jokingly, knowing it was a terrible time to throw that comment out, but he couldn't help it. He stood and glanced up at the cherry tree silently. It had been awhile since Satori's mother had been standing in that tree, asking for her daughter. Most kunoichi were the sweetest things, not Satori, and most definitely not her mother. Sure Satori was nice, but she could be just as snappy and sharp tongued as any shinobi, and twice as sassy, though her mother was more sarcastic and conniving, especially towards Hidan. Hidan hissed through his teeth, he didn't like her sass, but he had to admit, sometimes he completely deserved it, and he was glad she'd gotten used to him, remembering her reaction to strangers was to hide behind that sheet of dirty blonde hair that served as her bangs. She'd gotten used to him the fastest, he was the most outgoing of any Akatsuki, and she still wasn't used to a few, and of course was nearly terrified of Zetsu, he didn't know a single girl who wasn't afraid of the plant-human.

A shrill scream sounded from inside the library. Hidan turned his head in that direction, that was definitely not Satori's voice. Her voice was softer, and didn't echo outside the library. The kunoichi was awake.

"Hidan!"

Kakuzu, of course, the asshole was still here. Hidan sighed and walked towards the library's entrance, He didn't open the doors though; instead he took the two handles and pulled them back. This was the only entrance to the library, and if he was right, the kunoichi was heading straight for this door. A loud slam on the other side of the door signaled that the kunoichi had briefly forgotten which way the doors opened, a slip-up that was quickly fixed when the door handles were nearly yanked out of Hidan's hands. Hidan cursed and pulled back harder, this girl was a lot stronger than he'd expected, and this was not a tug of war that he was going to lose.

"Goddammit!" the kunoichi slammed her fist into the door, the shock from the blow shook through Hidan's body suddenly, and he made the rather intelligent decision to never get socked in the gut by the particular kunoichi. That and he thanked Satori silently for putting a barrier on the door. The force on the other side of the door stopped suddenly and some very angry yelling, coupled with several rude insults yelled by the kunoichi (all directed towards Deidara judging by the amount of times the word bitch was mentioned). Hidan pushed the doors open cautiously and sighed in relief that the kunoichi was being held onto by Deidara.

"Thanks," Deidara smiled.

"Don't mention it," Hidan replied. He glanced at the kunoichi. She looked extremely pissed, and was glaring directly at Hidan.

"Did you catch her?" Satori appeared from behind one of the bookshelves on the second floor.

"Yeah," Deidara replied, "she's a little feisty, hm."

"And has an arm," Hidan smirked, closing the doors and leaning against them, "nice sucker punch Pinky."

"Don't call her that," Deidara said.

"I'll call her that if she annoys me," Hidan chuckled, "Is she gonna speak or keep glaring at me like I'm the devil?"

"I'd rather she didn't speak," Satori scoffed, "I would've let her run except she might blow my cover. And we can't have that, now can we? They'd burn my library to the ground."

"Bitch," the kunoichi hissed. Satori gave a soft chuckle of satisfaction.

"Oh, **I'm **the bitch?" she smirked, "I can't see how that works when you're the one about to destroy ten years of research on several essential things."

"None of which could help Konoha," the kunoichi snapped, "They're all to help the Akatsuki aren't they?"

"On the contrary," Satori sighed, "the medical records are being used for research into hosts able to withstand having a biju ripped out of them. Fifteen years ago one jinchuriki lived through her seal breaking. Unfortunately, since she died shortly after due to complications of childbirth, allegedly, I never got a hold of her medical records. I have her damn morgue documents stuffed into a shelf somewhere, but the coroner's report was ruined by water, so I have no clue how she actually died, the top of the morgue report says 'complications of childbirth.'"

"Cool it sweetheart you're way overdoing this oh-so-justified rage," Deidara joked, "there's a copy in Konoha too isn't there? Maybe you should just ask for a better document, hm."

"No use," Satori dismissed the idea with a wave of her hand, "restricted information is restricted information. I'm just their back up for shinobi and jutsu records, the request for her morgue report alone took three weeks and several trips to Konoha. I'm not interested enough to take even more time and effort to track down a copy of her medical records, let alone the original copy, which by all accounts is probably gone, Land of Whirlpools never backed up their library in Ushiogakure, the only things that were salvaged were a few Fuuinjutsu and a certain report on a shinobi who could form chains from her chakra. Most of the latter was already badly damaged."

"Maybe if Konoha knew what you needed it for they would," Sakura spat. Satori stared at Sakura as if she were an absolute idiot, a look Hidan wasn't quite sure about the justification of, as her idea sounded rather valid.

"Because Kyubi's last jinchuriki was married to the Yondaime," she scoffed, "they aren't going to hand me her medical records for that research. And even if Tsunade were okay with it, Danzo would undoubtedly pitch a fit, as would the entire elder council." Hidan looked between the two kunoichi. Satori was still holding her look of forced calm, a look that dictated she was either really pissed, or trying not to break down into hysterics. The kunoichi was making her feelings very well known, she was pissed, and from the shade of red she was turning, completely embarrassed that her idea had been shot down so quickly.

"Hidan," Sasori entered the hall and leaned on the top railing of the staircase, "latch the door, it's about time we explained a few things. You can let her go Deidara." Hidan slid the latch closed as Deidara released the young kunoichi.

"How many of you are there?" she asked in exasperation.

"There's one more in the back," Satori smirked, "should we bring him out or are we just the way you prefer?"

"I'm good," the kunoichi assured Satori. Satori giggled and glanced up at Sasori.

"I think you should do introduction," she said, "you know her, and you explain better."

"Hidan," Sasori shot the Jashinist a look that threatened to kill if his mouth didn't stay sealed, "this is Sakura, one of the Kyubi jinchuriki's friends. Sakura, that's Hidan, eldest son of the High Priestess of Jashin." The kunoichi looked Hidan up and down in confusion.

"The cult that believes death and rebirth is a cycle brought on by shinobi?" she asked, "Aren't they...?"

"Shut you mouth before you even start," Sasori warned, "He's very protective of the Church. I think you've met Deidara, though, not properly. He's an idiot."

"And you're a prick," Deidara smiled, "care to make a worse impression, hm?"

"Gladly," Sasori smirked, "our MIA member is Kakuzu, and he's even more of a prick than I am."

"Eloquent," Deidara complimented.

"Thank you."

Sakura crossed her arms and looked between Hidan and Deidara, judging which she hated more. Sasori's miniature editorials on them didn't really help, but Sasori hadn't told Deidara to shut up, and even if Sasori had, Deidara wouldn't have listened anyway. Hidan opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it after a warning glance from Deidara, the last thing anyone needed was for Hidan to open his fat mouth and say something stupid. A silence rang through the library for a few minutes until footsteps began echoing through the hallway. Hidan's lips curled into a mischievous grin and Deidara began frantically shaking his head as soon as he saw it. Sasori calmly moved out of the way for Kakuzu to step in and Hidan decided to open his mouth and say something both clever and stupid.

"Oh there's the motherfucking prick."

"What did you just call me?" Kakuzu's tone was sharp, slightly angry, but by all means his slightly angry voice could also be his enraged voice, he was much less readable than Sasori. Deidara face-palmed and Satori broke out into a fit of hysterics.

"This is why we don't let you out when we have company," Deidara muttered, a comment that got a slight chuckle out of Sasori. Sakura stared at Hidan in slight shock. Either she'd expected a much mellower person, someone more along the lines of Hidan's mother, she thought he couldn't talk at all, or both. Either way his comment had surprised her, and royally pissed off Kakuzu, Hidan felt completely justified.

Until Kakuzu speared him in the head with a tentacle.

"And that's why we told you to stay in the back," Sasori said, "Not only would Hidan break our poor kunoichi, you'd break him. Only you'd break him literally."

"Shut up," Kakuzu said, retracting the tentacle and storming off.

"Excuse him," Deidara said to the kunoichi, "he and Hidan are not exactly polite to each other, hm."

"Am I the only one wondering how they survive with each other in the field?" Sasori asked.

"I keep my mouth shut and he keeps his temper," Hidan stood, rubbing the skin around the hole in his head, "stop laughing Satori. it wasn't that funny." Satori gasped for breath and rubbed the tears from her eyes.

"You assholes need to leave before I pass out from lack of oxygen," Satori sighed. Hidan shot her an irritated look. Satori smiled in return and looked up in the direction Kakuzu storm off in.

"If he touches a single **scrap** of paper in that map room I will personally cut his heart count down by three and shave that pretty brown hair of his to the fuzz," she snapped.

"You are hopelessly in love with the written word child," Sasori sighed.

"What can I say?" Satori shrugged, "I'm a bookworm with an eccentric mind and an artist's vision." Sasori chuckled and glanced back at Sakura. She was staring at Hidan in shocked and silent terror.

"Immortality," he said after a few seconds, "is the line that differentiates the Priests from the Followers, they are the death, and with them, springs rebirth. _The Phoenix King_, written by Fumetsu Azami, chapter 7, page 118."

"If you're going to quote my favorite book, quote a better line, hm," Deidara shot Sasori a mean glare.

"That line," Sasori snapped, "is the only quote in the entire book that warranted any praise toward the writer. You'd do your best to remember that."

"That line," Hidan hissed, "was the sole reason the Jashinists were seen as murderers who think themselves better."

"And neither that line, nor its praise, are why I like that book," Deidara snapped, "so both of you can stuff it and shut your damn mouths, hm."

"Quit it all three of you," Satori snapped in reply, "it's late; all of you should be sleeping, except you Sasori."

"Shut up," Sasori sighed.

"Sasori and I will take care of the kunoichi," Satori snapped, "now either I will be your mother or I will be your friend, take your pick." Deidara glanced at Hidan, who rolled his eyes. Both walked up the staircase and over to the back rooms. As soon as they were gone Sakura let out a rather pathetically bratty groan.

"How many times am I going to be surprised today?" she asked.

"You sound pathetic," Sasori smiled, "but you're welcome to see what we do with those records you're always scolding my bookkeeper about." Sakura looked at Sasori and groaned again.

"I'm sorry," Sakura sighed, "I don't understand it though."

"Why we keep lesser shinobi records here subtracting the medical records?" Sasori smiled, it was an ominous sort of smile, "It's rather simple. Satori can explain it better."

"It's a measure by the fact that the records we receive tell us nothing about the shinobi as a human being," Satori began, a coy smile lighting up her face.

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_A/N: I am NOT explaining, in full, why Satori doesn't give a rat's ass about minor records. PM me if you want to know the full explanation. Also, if you couldn't tell, I have written a love triangle by accident, who do you want to win? Hidan or Deidara? Who gets Satori bitches? Tell me what you think and I will poll it!  
_

_With Many Sparkly Monkeys,_

_The Jashinist_


	4. Chapter 4

The Suicidal Sakura Incident

Chapter 4: Explaining Things

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_A/N: Okay I lied! This explains the ramblings,_ _I'm a damn liar, big surprise! Okay, so I'll be updating a bit less often, but I'm also working on PCAR on the side so there's a plus...k bye-bye._

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"Here we are," Satori shoved open the door to the archives room, Sakura drew in her breath at the sight. Beautiful shelves lined the walls, each one the same ebony color. Each book had three markers of a different color on it, and sorted, the top color first, middle second, and bottom last. A simple round table stood in the center with three chairs around it, one of which was piled high with empty notebooks, three half empty notebook were lying open on the table, with stray papers scattered around them.

"I thought it was clean until I saw the table," Sakura smiled. Satori gave a wild grin in reply; the amount she looked in her element right now was almost frightening. She wasn't faking anything, there was nothing more to hide, not from Sakura anyway.

"What's your first question?" she asked, the wild grin still playing on her lips. Sakura looked around the archives room. She finally stopped in front of the table and read the records that were scattered around it. Noticing a Genin, she glanced over to Satori.

"What shinobi are in here anyway?" she asked. Satori looked surprised at the question, as if she were expecting a tirade.

"Anyone I find who is of consequence," she replied, she walked over and picked up the Genin file, "the Eternal Genin, Maruboshi Kosuke. He's a piece of work, let me tell ya, Jonin level, not a single recorded attempt at the Chunin exam, black market bounty of over 20 million ryo, this guy is a legend in the Land of Fire. Yet when I found his file, not even Sasori knew who he was…Kakuzu did but Kakuzu knows all the old people in Konoha."

"Is Naruto in here?" Sakura asked. Satori nodded and gestured to a section with red markers at the top.

"Blue middle marker, orange bottom marker," Satori said, "A-rank, jinchuriki, Kyubi. Section three, starts on page 15." Sakura walked over to the particular book, which was much thinner than the ones around it. She flipped it open until she found page 15, and skimmed the first page, it had the basics, but everywhere there were small additions. It was a newer record too, at the bottom there were a few notes scrawled in, describing personality. Sakura glanced at Satori, Naruto wasn't much for hiding his emotions or personality, but he knew to be cautious. Sakura had heard about shinobi that could get a read on a ninja's personality from a first sentence, a description of their fighting style. Satori didn't first-hand seem like that type of person.

"Deidara wrote in the stuff at the bottom," Satori said suddenly, "I've never met the guy, but Deidara seems to read shinobi so easily. Shame his handwriting's shit." Sakura glanced back at the record, at the notes written there.

_Temperamental, impulsive, will rush into things if he didn't have someone to pull him back, a bit irrational and incredibly merciless when pissed. NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN AROUND HIM._

"That's not very positive," Sakura looked at Satori, "is that all?"

"No," Satori shook her head, "he wrote more throughout the record, it's around 5 pages, front and back." Sakura turned back to the record, turning the page, which seemed to denote fighting style. This time, a secondary person had written a few basic notes, the formality made Sakura suspect Itachi.

_Can be rather strategic at times, works well with others…despite strategic ability, he's an absolute idiot otherwise… Rather weak in ninjutsu VERY strong ninjutsu and taijutsu, do not underestimate either…Poor with Genjutsu, rather gullible as well…A primarily close range fighter._

"Impressive," Sakura smiled, "I take it Deidara isn't fond of Naruto."

"Hates the poor kid," Satori shook her head, "shame too, because I feel like he'd like him." Sakura replaced the file and scanned the shelves.

"How's this sorted?" Sakura asked.

"Rank, classification, subcategory," Satori replied, "ranks B through S, also ANBU and kuchiyose ranks 6-9. Classification is your basic for kuchiyose and ANBU, species or village of origin, but regular shinobi are ranked citizen, clansmen, jinchuriki, or legendary."

"Legendary?" Sakura asked, "Like the Sanin?" Satori nodded.

"Any shinobi with a bounty above, say, 25 million ryo," Satori clarified, "then the subcategories are all different, so I won't go into them. What do you think?"

"You do this all by yourself?" Sakura raised an eyebrow, "Besides the jinchuriki research, why?"

"Kakuzu works in the black market," Satori commented, "Sasori no danna looks for new spies to pick up, Leader-sama hunts for new recruits, my mother updates her bounties for her office here, Kisame hunts down good prey, Itachi keeps tabs on his brother, Deidara does the same with Orochimaru, the list goes on. Sasori and I have racked up informants from all over the continent. If there's a shinobi in the world that we don't know about, they're either dead or insanely secretive."

"So most of it isn't to aid the Akatsuki," Sakura scanned the shelves for a few more seconds.

"Sasori got on this huge kick the day after we sealed Ichibi," Satori said, "medics, he went hunting for them, medics, poison experts, anyone with real merit in the medical world. Deidara fought less than him and was unconscious in bed with two arms missing. It was actually really scary."

"He's already a poison expert," Sakura noted, "why bother with that?"

"It wasn't anything to do with poison crafting," Satori sat on the edge of the table, "it was medics, that's all he needed. The Akatsuki doesn't have any medics; we have Kakuzu, who can reattach amputated limbs. Other than him, we have nothing; we lose members on a daily basis. And not even primary members either; we lost two informants and an assassin alone today."

"So you basically have to pray people won't be mortally wounded," Sakura guessed.

"we have to pray we can recover the bodies," Satori corrected, "there's only one major problem with having high profile criminals working for you, they tend to know about both sides well, and losing even enemy spies and enemy assassins is a huge loss. Tell me, Sakura, what does Konoha do to their traitors?"

"We usually interrogate and then kill them," Sakura replied. Satori scoffed and waved the notion off.

"Worthless to interrogate spies," she said, "mentally at least, especially Orochimaru's, the fuckers have minds like steel traps, you try to get in, and they'll look back."

"So?" Sakura asked. Satori raised her eyebrows.

"So you use physical torture," Satori replied, "spies, and especially assassins, are shit at withstanding pain. The reason I've never been in the field is because the Akatsuki view me as a liability, I'm an intellectual, not a warrior. The problem we tend to have is that working in groups can, at times, fail if a member can't work with another or is downright difficult to get along with. Leader-sama settled with playing it half-and-half, teams that can get along but have to fight separately, like Deidara and Sasori, whose synergy only lies in breaking and entering, or members that are shit at getting along but work well together, like Kakuzu and Hidan, as you saw."

"If you're a liability, why have you been in the Akatsuki for so long?" Sakura asked. Satori remained silent for a few seconds, then sighed and leaned back. Sakura was starting to connect things she'd never thought of before, how Satori's choices in running the library, long before this, had pointed to her involvement with the Akatsuki. How the sloppy half-bun she pulled her dirty blonde hair into looked so much like Deidara's hairstyle. How her manner of speech, well chosen and yet somewhat polite, sounded so similar to Itachi's. How she never named her boss or any informants directly. It was starting to match up a bit more.

"I was Orochimaru's bookkeeper," she said, "his third one. His favorite by far though, sharp intellect for a seven year old, rapid organization, a clan name that was infamous in the black market. He introduced me to Sasori as a sort of tease, to hang me over his head, he had a liability no one would dare touch, he had a child."

"And you preferred Sasori?" Sakura asked.

"Not at first," Satori laughed, "he was stoic, emotionless, and heartless. He wondered why Orochimaru had wasted his precious time on one little girl, one that would normally be seen as a pathetic and useless waste of time. What got him going was when he actually saw my library for the first time, the ear after I met him. It drew him in. It wasn't that a small child was intelligent enough to have read so many of these books; he'd seen that before, it was that I liked it. He'd seen so many prodigies that took their talents for granted and consider their ability a curse. It's such a passé thing that most books have picked it up as the rival to the protagonist, or the new girl everyone loves. For once, there's a person who still works their advanced brain, and likes feeding its reaches. I started to get him after that, because, in a sense, he was the same way."

"How did you end up Sasori's bookkeeper?" Sakura asked. Satori smiled, as if recalling a fond memory.

"Orochimaru just gave me to him," she said, "the day he left. Just, pushed me in front of him and said, 'you seem to like her more,' and that was that. I've never been happier than now. If I was never hired by Sasori, I never would've met Deidara or Hidan. Or you, Sakura."

"And you consider all of those good things?" Sakura asked.

"At first, you weren't that good," Satori said bluntly, "I'm not fond of people who obsess over boys, and, to be incredibly honest, I liked Sasuke too."

"Oh," Sakura bit her lip, "I used to rant."

"Only a lot," Satori smirked, "Hidan has his good points, and he does have an intelligent side. And then…" Satori went a light shade of pink and sunk down against a back wall. "Let's skip the subject of Deidara for now," she murmured. Sakura smiled, if the shade of pink wasn't a tell-all, the fact that she had lowered her voice was.

"How old are you again?" Sakura asked.

"Nineteen," Satori stood, the color fading from her face.

"And this embarrasses you how?" Sakura smiled, "I go this embarrassed when I was eleven."

"You're an extrovert," Satori said, "I'm a shy little bookworm with a crush on a sociopathic artist."

"As if anyone were surprised," Sakura smirked, "I think he already knows."

"Even if he does it doesn't matter," Satori shrugged, "he doesn't like me the same way." A silence pierced the room, neither kunoichi said a word. The silence made Sakura uncomfortable, she glanced at the door, wondering if she should leave or not. The sun was up by now, the light shining in through the windows, and Sakura didn't feel very tired.

A knock on the door startled Sakura, and Satori too apparently, as she looked up immediately.

"Who is it?" she asked in a voice loud enough to reach past the thick barrier keeping the door from being broken.

"Itachi," a voice replied on the other side, "I need to talk to you."

"Okay," Satori replied, "head over to the map room I have a guest." Satori walked over to the door, and turned back to Sakura.

"You can look at anything," she said, "just don't leave the room, Sasori and Deidara can enter whenever, everyone else knows not to enter when I'm not inside." Sakura nodded and Satori slid out of the room.

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_A/N: Big thanks to all my reviewers and a specially big thanks to all followers, now wait eagerly for the next chapter..._


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